Previously on The Real L Word...
I have been pretty patient with your bullshit.
I lost my girlfriend,
and Francine doesn't want anything to do with me.
- Don't be a Deb. - Stop talking shit
- about me, girl. - Oh, my God.
Seriously.
- I will fuck you up. - You don't even know me.
If Whitney said something to her,
like, I don't need people telling me that I think
I'm too cool for school.
I'm gonna come by tomorrow and grab some other clothes.
Is that okay?
I'm just gonna put her stuff outside
so I don't have to see her.
Actually we have a trade show.
We're gonna need you to go.
Don needs someone to go to Vegas
I said, great, I'm gonna quit my job.
- How are you? - Good. I'm hungry.
I haven't seen you in at least a month.
When I met Drew,
I saw my father in him for sure.
He kind of looks like him.
He kind of has the same mustache as him.
And me and Drew just have this connection.
But Drew's like, "I'm gonna take her to my house."
- No. - Taking who to your house?
Kelsey. I don't want Kelsey and Drew hanging out.
I get pissed at him because he becomes
too manipulating, and he tries to run,
like, things in our relationship.
Drew's like, "well, fuck you.
Like, why are you being such a bitch?"
And I'm like, "I'm not being a bitch.
I just don't want to see anybody right now."
We haven't had sex? Holy shit.
- We need to start having sex. - I can see.
'Cause now I need to know what it is.
We have HIV testing and STD screening.
Chanel thought it'd be a good idea to get tested.
So those results won't come back
- for two weeks. - What's up, mom?
What do you mean?
That's not fair, mom.
What's up with Sara?
I've said to her, like, "listen,
"if you're gonna see someone else,
let me know." Let's just cut our ties.
That means I'm single.
- How'd you guys meet? - We met...
Five years ago.
Like, so we're actually married.
Like, legally married.
Cori and Kacy, they're, like, the perfect couple.
We're on the track to make the baby.
You need to have the specimens.
When you inseminate her, you use two of them.
We do it on two different days.
So I'm gonna be taking the test,
and so, when I get the smiley face,
- I just call you? - Right.
And if I'm not getting
a smiley face, you'll have us come in
- to see what's going on? - Yes.
Okay, so now we just have to wait for me to ovulate.
corrected by chamallow www.addic7ed.com
I don't want to get...
You have to get up.
Uh! Pee day.
Do you really want to watch me pee?
Yeah. Kind of do.
We have sperm.
We have a doctor. We know how we're gonna do it.
Cori hasn't smoked in a week.
And she's on the lowest dose of the patch.
Now she's gonna pee on a stick.
If there's a happy face... you're ovulating.
You know, like, you have an egg,
and, like, all the pieces have lined up.
Then we'll be set. We'll be on our way.
Hey, baby, you could pee in a cup too
and just dip the stick.
Too late.
I can't believe it's finally here.
Like, after all of the baby dates that we've set.
You know, next year, this date.
Okay, no, next year.
We've made so many baby dates.
And we've never gotten this far in the process.
It's gonna be so gross knowing that there's sperm up there.
Like, is it gonna, like, ooze out?
And like... ugh.
That's it?
Today's not the day.
Oh, fucking thank God.
Oh, my God. I'm so scared.
I knew what day to expect the smiley face,
but the doctor asked me to pee on the stick regardless,
so I kind of wasn't expecting much.
Don't worry, little eggs.
What are you guys doing?
What are you doing?
Kisses for my baby.
Mm.
- I love you. - I love you too.
We're gonna make a baby.
So I'll text you when I get off at Alvarado.
Yeah. All right, babe.
- Bye. - Bye.
This week is the anniversary of my dad's death.
Every year is really hard around this week
because it was probably the hardest thing
I've ever gone through in my life.
And it's a really rough day
because I have to leave to Vegas,
and I have to work my first weekend with my new boss.
Just a lot of emotions.
Yeah?
- Hi, babe. - Hi.
Aww, are you crying?
Don't worry about it. I'm fine.
I brought you something 'cause you're...
- God, that book? - Uh-huh.
Can you sit on the bed for a minute with me?
Well, yeah.
I want to show you this.
Can I have this?
- I made this for you. - I know.
- I couldn't have it then. - I know.
- I want it now. - You're ready?
- Yeah. - Okay.
When he first passed away,
I would fall apart a lot.
This is what you gave me last Christmas?
- Mm-hmm. - I don't think it's easy
for anybody who's watched a parent die of cancer.
Like, you watch your parent be, like, eaten up
by... a disease.
Quick.
Oh, this is when he was sick.
I know.
- Look at him. - Mm.
I love this one.
My God, my wedding.
I love the way he's looking at you.
It's just everything's changed,
and I mean my dad didn't even know I was gay.
I got married a few years ago
to a guy that I met at my church,
and at the time was really struggling with my sexuality.
I think he was struggling with his.
We were just two people, very, very confused.
It was right before my father got really, really sick.
My dad was so proud to walk me down that aisle.
He got that moment, and I got that moment,
neither of us knowing that he would pass away
so soon afterwards.
He loves you.
I ought to frame that.
It's been four years.
I miss him, and I miss that dynamic in my life.
I'm starting a new jewelry line,
and I'm sober, and all he ever wanted to do
is see me be sober and not drink
and not be fucking up everything in my life.
And I just wish that he was here to see that,
that that's happening.
- Can I keep this? - Of course.
I'm so glad you want it now.
God, I was a cute kid.
Oh, that's good.
I woke up early to surprise Chanel
with breakfast because we've been counting
the days of our relationship,
and today's day 30.
And our birthday's January 30th.
And I'm starting to think 30 might be our number.
So... Chanel doesn't know yet,
but I have a whole day planned.
Aww, babe.
Happy 30 day.
It smells good.
Thanks. Actually that's from, uh...
Where'd you get waffles from?
I made them.
How did you make 'em hearts?
Magic.
Baby, that's so cool.
- Thank you. - I can be gay
- every once in a while. - I like it when you're gay.
Don't... don't get used to it.
I ain't gonna be gay all the time.
We just got our test results back.
And there's only one way to celebrate
a good bill of health. And that's with sex.
So I'm going all out today.
"It looks like 30 is going to be our number.
We've had our share of ups and downs
over the last 30 days.
I'm glad we've made it.
You mean so much to me.
I hope you feel the love I have for you
at every single moment."
- Thank you. - Mm-mm.
I appreciate you.
We're so gay if we celebrate a month.
I don't care.
- Isn't that gay? - Who cares?
More presents.
What the fuck?
I'm partially to blame for that.
All right. That's great, guys.
That's really cool.
Come by Francine's place to pick up my stuff
and she threw all my stuff out
on her front... on her front doorstep.
Um, like a p... like garbage.
- Can I get a bag? - Yeah, I'll get you a bag.
Yeah, a couple bags, please.
Mm-hmm.
This is like a... this is like a nightmare.
I would never do this to her.
Ever. Ever.
She's such a fucking... she's a mess.
I'm the loser? I'm the fake person?
I'm the one that... you know me nine years,
and you throw my shit out on the curb over nothing?
You're the fucking loser, dude.
Oh, you're a sack of shit.
She's gone dirty now.
- That's not mine. - That's not yours?
Like, she's taken this to a level
of filth in my opinion.
God, I wish I didn't have this cold.
I feel terrible.
I was talking to Cori and Kacy,
and they were talking about, you know,
the insemination process.
And I was, like, asking them
what their method was to do it.
I was like, "is there a strap-on
that, like, blows a load?"
Like, I don't know if there is.
Cori and Kacy told me
that, you know, they've been looking
for a tool that could potentially be the inseminator.
And they can't find anything.
I can't believe that we're at a time.
It's 2011, and really?
There is nothing to use for lesbians?
Or even if there is,
I think we could make one better.
Yeah, I think we should try.
We should put the research in.
An inseminator has to be some type of tool
that is inserted into the woman
that the semen is transported into.
So, I mean, the thing is,
Alyssa and I make prosthetics.
And I'm sure we know somebody
that will let us mold them.
- Caes. - Desiree.
He says he has a donkey dong.
He does.
I'm scared.
Let's call him.
So Caes is, like, my best, best guy friend.
He's like a brother to me.
I mean, we're very similar,
but he's like an extreme version of me.
What up, yo?
Are you in the middle of something right now
'cause I have to ask you a funny question.
- What? - Uh, remember last year
Alyssa and I were talking
about making a mold of your wang.
Yeah.
How do you feel about really doing that?
Yeah, kind of.
Okay, it sounds like a plan.
All right, I guess we'll discuss this further later.
All right, talk to you when I get off work.
- All right, bye. - Bye.
I think Cori and Kacy are going to the doctor
this week to try to get inseminated.
But if it doesn't work,
we got a backup plan...
- the inseminator. - Mm-hmm.
Yup. They don't make 'em like they used to.
I know.
I thought I was gonna bring, like, just one little bag
and then I couldn't...
I couldn't fit it all.
Don, my new boss, needed some people to go
to Vegas and work magic.
It's a really big convention.
And you need people working the booths.
So I brought Rachel because Rachel
is kind of in an in-between state.
I figured she could use some extra cash.
So you fucked Whit.
In the bathroom.
But you guys were just eating each other out and fingering?
We finger-banged. No, I just...
I went down on her. She didn't on me.
I had high shorts on that were really tight.
The whole bathroom was mirrors.
Oh, my God!
And it was like this big.
Romi is a really amazing friend.
She always thinks about you,
and, like, she's got your back.
When we first met, we were kind of partying,
drinking, and we totally made out one night.
'Cause you can laugh it off, though, afterwards
and just be like, uh... and we were totally normal.
I mean, you know, she's a hot girl.
But we're really good friends now,
and it's just a friendship.
Long story short, like,
we almost, like, broke up,
like, a week ago.
You guys need to just go right now and think,
you know.
This is gonna be good, like, getting away.
- I know. - So you guys,
when you come back, you miss each other...
you know what I mean? Like, sometimes distance
makes the heart grow fonder.
Kelsey and I have been fighting a lot lately.
I don't even have the energy
to fight it out or think about it any more
because I've got a lot of shit to do.
All I really want to do is get this job right,
and I don't want lesbian drama.
I'm gonna leave that at home.
And I will deal with that when I get home.
- Fuck it. - Maybe you're stressed out
because you feel like she's such a responsibility for you,
- you know. - Yeah, she is.
She's a huge responsibility for me.
Which is where I think the attraction loses itself.
Right. You're the proud parent of a 23-year-old right now.
Fuck you.
Don't show off.
This is a good horse, though, right?
He's not gonna, like, take off.
He's a 1,200-pound animal with a mind of his own.
Oh, no. Oh, shit.
We're at the Rainbow Ranch,
horseback riding.
It was something we both wanted to do.
So I surprised Chanel today.
So I'm taking really good care of Chanel now
in hopes of taking really good care of me later.
Whoa!
Hey, I got the rhythm.
Don't do that.
He's tired of you.
He's like, "fuck you."
Perfect.
See, you are a cowgirl.
Whoo-hoo!
I'm really glad
that we're here.
- Rub my belly. - Yeah.
'Cause I want to see what else you bring me.
You're my genie.
I'm rubbing the lamp.
Well, I do have some other things planned.
I got a couple more surprises for her,
so hopefully she enjoys them
just as much as she enjoyed this one.
I will 'cause I'm with you.
- Oh, you're so gay. - I know.
I've never done this before.
So after a long day of horseback riding,
um, just want to make sure,
you know, my girl feels good.
So I'm gonna give her a full-body massage.
Ooh.
So...
- Ooh. - You be quiet.
- You relaxed? - Mm-hmm.
I'm definitely not a masseuse.
I just have the opportunity to rub all over Chanel.
Hoping to rub her the right way and, um,
ignite some other things.
I know what you're thinking.
This might have been a bad idea for me.
It was not the best massage,
but, um, she definitely had some... some motives behind it.
And it worked.
I'm used to being in relationships with guys
where I had zero emotional connection.
Now that I have a relationship
where I'm emotionally connected to someone,
I realize that sex is far more
than where your body ends up.
Sex is a real intimate connection
with mind, body, and soul.
I'm quivering. It's crazy.
It's crazy.
I have to pee so bad, but I'm scared.
Do you want me to hold the stick while you pee?
No.
The past weeks, this possible pregnancy
has fucking consumed me.
I'm obsessed, completely obsessed.
I'm going crazy.
It's just... it's intense.
It's not today.
What? Get the fuck out.
Show me that fucking thing.
I don't know how I feel.
I don't know how I feel either.
'Cause I want it to turn happy.
I don't know. I thought today was the day.
I really did. It's crazy and scary
and nerve-racking, and this being our first time...
There's a very, very specific window of opportunity you have to ovulate.
And we only have three vials of sperm.
So if we don't get it in these three shots,
we have to wait. Didn't she say to just come in?
So we just need to go in tomorrow.
She said on 14 if it's not a happy face
then we need to call her, 'cause something's wrong.
- When's 14? - Tomorrow.
I want to wake up and be like, "yeah, let's take the test!"
Not... Oh, my God!
Three months ago,
I had looming questions
of, like, whether or not I was ready to be a parent.
Oh, God.
And now it's too late.
Like, we've got ourselves excited.
You know, we're excited about it.
I wouldn't want to go through this with anyone else but you.
- Promise? - Promise.
What time is it?
8:00. That's good timing.
So what are you gonna do if you run into Drew?
Like, what's going on with you guys?
No, I'm just surprised by, like,
the way he's acting because it's, like,
so not like him.
But I would never think that Drew would ever
completely ignore me.
Me and Drew are in a fight
because of, you know, the text
that happened when I was at Whitney's party
the other night.
And Drew is a sales rep
and has been for many years
for a clothing brand called WeSC.
So we're going to be working the same convention.
And we're not speaking right now.
We fight because we're so much alike.
You know, we're both so fucking stubborn.
- Yeah. - I don't know what I did
to piss him off, like, that bad.
Except for asking him to, like,
not be so involved in my relationship... ship.
It's really difficult being here in Vegas right now.
It's like, my father, the anniversary of his death
is here, and Kelsey and me are not getting along,
I'm sober, I've started a new job.
I'm praying that he's able to just get over it
and put his ego aside
and be there for me.
Okay, I'll meet you down there. You'll call me?
Yes.
Magic, it's where all the brands come out
and rep their lines, and everyone's there to sell
their lines, and all the buyers come out.
So it's basically getting all your buyers in one place.
So I'm gonna represent Chaser,
and Rachel is gonna represent Sprayground.
- Morning. - Hey, guys.
Hi, guys.
It's really important that I show Don
that I am capable of doing this job
and that I'm here and that I'm focused
because this is what puts a roof over my head
and feeds me and my girlfriend.
I'm in, like, man-ville.
So working with Don is... is really cool.
I'm in the upstairs area, and then Romi and Don
are downstairs,
and their booth is high fashion, and I'm with backpacks.
These are all, like, huge.
- Well, those are... - They're supposed to be?
- Yeah, they're supposed to be. - When this is off, though,
- it's like this. - Yeah, yeah.
I was, like, parachuting out.
I was like...
You're like, "I'll fly off the building."
Yeah, and, well, they're huge,
but I love it.
I saw Drew, and he's just, um, very standoffish right now,
doesn't want to hug me.
It's a good picture of you guys, man.
Romi and I aren't speaking right now.
I seen her. And we kind of just, like,
passed right by each other.
It didn't feel good. I didn't like it,
but I set, like, a healthy boundary that I wouldn't speak
to her maybe until after, so she can get through everything.
So that's where we're at right now.
Of any time needing him, this would be the time.
I really want to scream.
And I can't go drink.
And I can't shut it off.
I need to pull it together, though,
because I cannot look like I'm crying on my new job.
I just got an email from Claire.
What'd she say?
She says, "hi, Whitney.
I wanted to reach out to you and see
if you'd be interested in participating
in a photo shoot for my website I'm creating.
It's a fashion and lifestyle site called dirtyboudoir.com."
Sign me up.
It sounds right up my alley.
Dirty bedroom.
I get the email. I'm a little taken aback,
because, you know, I can't help but remember
that, just a few days earlier,
she was fighting with a friend of mine.
Like, I personally don't know her
very well at all, so this could be a good way
to get to know her.
So did you hear about Caes?
- Did he get back to you? - I gotta call him back.
I'm, like, curious to know
how really we're gonna do this.
I just don't understand
how he's gonna get hard,
how he's gonna stay hard,
and how he's gonna stay hard
when we put very cold goo on it.
Can we just find out if anybody we know has Viagra?
All right, I should call Caes first and make sure
- he's still on board. - Maybe we can ask Caes
if he can get Viagra.
He's gonna be like, "I don't need Viagra, dawg."
Hello.
Hey.
Um, I wanted to discuss, um,
the dong clone situation.
I need to know, are you gonna be able to get hard
and maintain an erection?
I hate that I just used that word.
Yeah, I don't like that her name is Whitney,
I must say.
So Caes is bringing his girlfriend
to be the fluffer,
and her name is also Whitney.
Awkward!
Listen, if you have a hard wang
and we pour something that's kind of chilly on it,
what happens?
I don't know. Probably feel good.
Um, do you have Viagra?
No.
Why would I need Viagra?
Yeah.
- All right, good. - Hey, whatever.
All right, so just let me know
- when you're coming over. - Thanks, champ.
- Okay. - All right. Bye.
How are you?
- Good. How are you? - Good.
So yesterday I went to go what I thought was gonna be
to pick up my stuff from Francine's,
and she had proceeded to throw all my stuff out.
Just thrown it out on her front lawn.
I'm not speaking to her any more.
- What? - Irrational.
- What? - Very irrational.
It's just like she just wants to make a fool out of me
every chance she gets.
She never stands up for me.
She can't even house my c... my things
without throwing them out like garbage.
Well, I think every time I talk to Vivian
I feel really connected to her.
She has, like, found a way
to call me and, for the most part,
keeps my brattiness to a minimum.
I don't know. She's made a lot of things happen.
That's why I think that you need
- to come out and visit me. - Oh, really?
Is that off the market?
- That's not gonna happen. - Really?
- Yeah. - Why?
I don't know.
Are you gonna really make me do
some real big begging?
- I think yeah. - Yeah, you better
- get down on all knees. - I know. I know.
I'm saying now you're wanted.
I want you to come visit.
I'm so lost without you.
Do you see what's happening to me?
Yeah. Well, we're gonna be working on all my stuff.
Not all of my stuff. All of our stuff.
I want to do a photo shoot with the girls from The Real L Word.
I want you to style all of this stuff.
I've reached out to Whitney and Romi,
and hopefully they are willing to help me
in donating their time.
And Vivian is a stylist.
She's amazing.
She has a great sense of fashion,
and if I can somehow find a way to get her
to come out here, I think it'll make it a success.
You are an integral part of this.
Like, there is none of this without you.
So will you let me know sooner rather than later
what your dates are?
After I figure it out,
I'll let you know.
You're an asshole.
No, I'm not.
- All right. - All right. I love you.
All right, bye, babe. Have a good day.
Bye.
Um, I saw Drew.
- Oh, you did? - Yeah.
How did that go?
I started crying.
- No, you didn't. - I did.
Just looking at him, I started crying.
I had to, like, walk away, 'cause I was like...
- Oh, he didn't come up to you? - He was like...
I'm texting Drew, and I'm saying,
"please meet me. Please, just can we talk?"
And I'm just bawling like a little bitch
because Drew's love
is, like, the closest love I can find
to my father.
And he softens up,
and he lets that machismo, Mexican bad boy
fucking go...
and is my Drew, my friend.
I love that I want to go up to you,
and I'm like, if I see him, I'ma go off on him.
I'm gonna tell him what a piece of shit he is.
I walk up to you... why would you say that?
I walk up to you like this, "aah."
Why would you say that I'm a piece of shit?
- There's no reason... - This is you.
- Try and hug me. - When?
Dude, just try and hug me.
- I didn't do that. - Like this.
'Cause you think you're too cool for school.
Why am I... I don't think I'm too cool for school.
What you wrote me wasn't very...
but let's not get into it.
Okay?
What, we leave here and never speak again?
- Be kind to me. - It's, uh, 228.
- I love you. - I love you too.
You know, when I first saw her
and I saw her crying, you know, I mean,
I just wanted to, like, hug her
and tell her everything was gonna be okay.
'Cause when I really thought about it,
it's like, is it all worth it?
Is it... you know, it's not.
I mean, over what?
That I can't even remember.
I feel like a bowl of sugar right now.
You are a bowl of sugar.
Don't tell nobody.
It'll be our little secret.
It's so pretty. Thank you.
So Chanel and I are finally having sex.
And, boy, was it worth the wait.
- Yeah. - Hey, what you doing, mom?
We just got back.
We had to take a shower.
We take all our showers together.
I try to sa... the water don't be hot that long.
My mother, like, she's come a long way
since learning about Chanel.
Especially since last time we talked.
She was upset about Facebook statuses.
You like that?
I do, ma. I really do.
I mean, I tried the other, and I didn't like it as much.
Who taught you those words?
That's what they taught me at work.
Uh-huh.
Chanel, am I a soft stud?
You're not a soft stud.
What am I?
I thought I was a soft stud.
Only thing even remotely stud about her is she's a top.
She's a what?
It's like, either you're top or bottom.
Like, the top gives and the bottom receives.
Like, for you, big Greg would be a top
and you're the bottom.
My mom is hilarious.
I mean, it's good to know
that someone knows less
about lesbian sex than I do.
Okay, both of our legs open up like scissors,
and then she put hers on top of mine.
Nah, it's clit to clit.
I told you. You know how s...
like, take your fingers, like you make two peace signs.
Mm-hmm.
And then put 'em toge... like, turn one of 'em sideways
and then put 'em together.
- Hold up two... - Ew!
She said we being nasty with a "y".
All right, ma. I love you.
Please.
On gay stuff.
At least you're not hanging up no more.
So we done made... we done got far.
All right. Well, let me go back to work.
- I love you. - I love you too, mom.
I'm Romi. I'll shake your hand.
- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you, hon.
A big part of my job is building relationships
with your clients, your stores, your buyers.
You guys having fun?
- Yeah. - Good.
Networking is a huge part of this industry.
You don't know who you're gonna meet
by going out to that club or that dinner
that all these people in your industry are going to.
And because of my sobriety,
it's hard.
A bar in Vegas is not necessarily, like, the place
I would choose to be right now.
Then I get this text from Kelsey that she's bawling.
Can you stop crying for just a minute
and talk to me? 'Cause you're worrying me.
Apparently Kelsey is crying hysterically
because she has just gotten fired.
But the thing is, Kelsey, I love you,
and I want to be with you, and I'm doing everything I can,
you know, on my part to, like, make this work,
as I know that you are too.
It's just that money is not an issue,
and it's not, like, a groundbreaking thing
to our relationship, but it is in the sense
that, like, I just can't... I can't take care of you.
You know? Like, if I could, I would.
I just can't.
But we got to figure out
why you can't, like, keep a job, you know.
My heart's broken that she's got to go
through that, like, embarrassment, that pain.
It's, like, the second job she's been fired from.
I'm thinking to myself,
fuck, why is she getting fired?
And I feel bad for her.
And I can see that she's beating herself up.
Just call me if you need me. If you're falling apart
and you're having a breakdown, just call me,
I'll pick up the phone.
Okay, I'm sorry. I love you.
Bye.
Ugh! There's no smiley face.
The doctor said if I don't see a smiley face
to call her and come in.
And I don't know. You know, I'm trying so hard
to just stay positive.
And I mean, I can't... like, it's so stupid.
I feel so dumb for... for crying and being worried.
Like, I just got to keep it together.
How long we got?
We have to leave soon.
I got enough time to drink this?
Yeah.
What do you think about going to the doctor
without seeing a smiley?
I don't know. I mean,
I feel a little better.
I mean, obviously I want to talk to the doctor.
They know best. We know nothing.
And I wonder if she's gonna inseminate today.
We didn't really cross this bridge...
you know, what would happen
if the 14th day there was no smiley.
She just said we'll come in.
But, yeah, it makes me nervous.
I've been thinking about something.
In case we do inseminate today.
Yeah?
I don't want to talk about it.
You're starting to make me nervous again.
No, don't be nervous.
I know that you really wanted to, like,
- push it in. - Right.
And I know that's important to you
because you feel so outside of this process,
but, I mean, I feel like I'm gonna be,
you know, up there staring at the ceiling
and, like, for me,
I would love to have you up there with me,
like, holding my hand and looking into my eyes.
Like that I think is...
that moment is what's important really, like...
Oh, I think it was a stupid idea.
What?
I don't know.
I just think I tried so hard to...
figure out how to get past it, but I don't know.
I think you're right. I think you're right.
What makes me feel better is I want this to be about us.
I want us both to be in the moment.
And if me and you are in the moment
and that's what's gonna connect you to me...
- Mm-hmm. - That is all I want.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
Oh, God!
How long you been holding that one in again?
It's only been, I don't know, two weeks.
Do you think we could just quickly tidy?
Tidy the house before we leave?
- What? - My mom would be so disappointed.
What are you talking about?
If we came home and didn't tidy the house.
Are you kidding me?
You want to clean right now?
I'm nesting. Isn't this what we do?
We nest.
These pillows don't even match.
I can tell you're nervous.
I am nervous. I'm cleaning.
Let's go.
Let's go get knocked up.
I'll drive.
Hello, Claire.
It's me. How are you?
I'm fine. How are you?
I... 'cause I've been running around.
And I'm sorry, I know. I told mom to tell you
I was sorry. I had Barbara in town
for the past two weeks, so it's been nonstop.
- I'm sorry. - Hi!
Hi, Henry. Hi, Henry.
They're all screaming, as you can hear.
So I have two older sisters.
I'm the baby of the family.
My older sister Rachel would describe me
as the most spoiled one of the family.
I kind of got away with murder.
I still get away with murder.
Well, it's better now.
I mean, it's up and down,
but it's better right now.
Vivian has made such an impression.
Like, my sister considers her,
the, you know, the fourth sister.
My dad, like, wants to... tells people
that it's his adopted daughter.
Nothing's happened.
Like, hooking up-wise, nothing's happened.
- Yes. - No, I haven't done anything.
I know. I know.
I got that. I got that one.
I'm taking that seriously.
- I know. I know. - I'm telling you. Good luck.
I know. I know.
I know. I... I don't... there's nothing...
I... there's no doubt in my mind
that she is, like, my perfect match.
It's just been going on for too...
All right. Bye, Rachel.
Love you. Okay. Bye.
Love you too. I'll call you later.
Okay, bye.
And what you want to do... go ahead and lie back.
You want to put your feet in the stirrups.
Looks cozy.
And this is the first time we've done an ultrasound
- in this office, right? - Yeah.
Wow, that's you on the inside.
Yeah. Everything looks very normal.
Perfect.
You're perfect.
- I knew it. - And the lining
looks nice and thick and three lines, which is what we expect.
And you're ready.
So today's the day?
- Mm-hmm. - Oh, my God.
It was today.
- I know. - Tears for nothing.
Oh, shit, I'm gonna cry.
- Baby. - Her egg was there.
It was hanging on to the little thing,
and I guess they drop it.
Like, that night it would have let go,
and the egg then starts the traveling down,
and that's when you get the smiley face.
So it was there, it was ready, it was ready to go.
Today and tomorrow.
You guys got two, right? Or just one?
- We have two. Two. - We sent two, yeah.
All right, so go ahead and sit up
for just a few minutes, okay?
- Okay. - And get everything ready.
You're gonna go thaw it out?
Go thaw it out. Thaw out my other...
the other half of my kid.
There's definitely a true, true moment of fear
and "wait a minute, are we sure?"
Look at me. I want a picture.
- Really? - I want a picture of this moment.
Really? We're taking pictures?
I don't have pants on. It's...
Okay, let's do it.
We just found out we're gonna make a baby.
You buy the sperm.
It's still no commitment.
You ship the sperm to a doctor.
You find a doctor. You find out you're fertile.
Well, that's great. It just means the possibility's there
that you could get pregnant if you so chose.
Ovulating... no commitment there.
The minute she presses that plunger
and lets that sperm into your system
after she's confirmed that it's moving,
that's it.
Like, you... that is the moment
when you're saying yes.
Okay, everything looks great.
Wow.
So the little spermies are thawed and ready to swim.
A lot of little spermies.
Go ahead and scoot down to the bottom.
- Now did you want to... - No, I'm gonna stay
- right up here with her. - Okay.
- Holy moly. - Ooh.
You okay?
- Wow. - Oh, my God.
- Fingers. - Whoa.
- No turning back after today. - No.
Oh, my God.
I just can't believe we're here.
You know.
Like, me and you.
I love you.
- I love you. - Shit.
It's okay.
I'm just so happy.
Swim, little spermies. Swim!
Come on!
The dong clone.
The wang master 2000.
Hi. How are you?
Good. How are you?
- Hey, girl. Hi. - What's up, dogs?
We are making an inseminator.
Caes is a good friend of ours.
It's only two minutes, right?
But then you don't want it to be, like,
just sitting in there going down.
You know you're like... Mrrh!
And he is completely open
to the experience of us handling
his dick.
And incredibly excited about the idea of lesbians
all over the country
or world using his private parts to get pregnant.
Down right here. Anybody want to hold this?
What's your name?
Caes. Nice to meet you, Ruby.
Oh, Ruby. I didn't even see you come out.
- That's Ruby. - She's like a ninja.
She just popped up. My friend Ruby's visiting,
and nothing says welcome to town like a good-old dong mold.
So, you know, I figured, the more, the merrier.
- Cheers, yo. - All right.
- To getting the dong... - Up.
To getting it up.
God damn it.
Go in there and make love.
This part you can't film.
Yeah.
I hope Caes can stay hard for the whole time, 'cause...
there's only one way to find out.
Alginate is like what they use at the dentist's office to make molds.
It's very quick-drying,
so we got to be on top of things.
Now what we're gonna do is...
we're gonna mix it up in the bucket
with a little bit of tepid water,
we're gonna pour it inside this little container,
and then he's gonna dip his no-no parts right inside it
like this.
And that, ladies and gentlemen,
is how babies are made.
We cannot start mixing this up with water
until, like, he's about to be ready to blow.
This has to work.
I have a roomful of girls out there depending on this dick.
What the fuck?
Let me know your status.
All right.
Oh. Oh, my God.
I don't know why this is so...
my dick's usually hard all the time.
I know. All right, girls.
Let's do this.
- We gotta get the stuff! - Got to get this.
It's a go. Go! It's a go.
Speed it up.
- Come on. - Speed it up.
The donkey's gonna go down.
- Okay, wait. Whitney. - Whitney!
- Oh, no. - No, no, no, don't. Don't...
just keep whacking it off.
All right. I'm gonna go back in there, then...
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go back in there.
Go back in. The most difficult part
is timing the fluffing with the stuffing.
- Babes. - What?
Get back over there.
It's like aging a fine wine.
It's going down.
- Holy shit. - Really right now,
am I standing in my kitchen
trying to hand-stir a bunch of alginate
while my best guy friend is getting fluffed
in Alyssa's bedroom
and running out with a giant hard-on?
Oh, my God.
- Oh, fuck. - What?
- Ready? - Yeah, come on.
God, we gotta make this...
this'll be good. This'll feel nice, like...
- Hurry up. - Go, go, go.
- Is that enough? - Is that enough?
- Cover it up. - Cover it up.
No, no, no. Don't look at me.
Maow!
We're gonna have to do this shit again.
Let's just restart this.
- Can we restart this process? - All right. Wait, let me...
Slide your finger.
No, no, no. You got to break the seal.
I have this miniature...
- Look at this. - That's not very miniature, dude.
Now it'll... now you know what to expect.
Give me a rubber band. Let's make this work.
Oh, damn.
I mean, I get, like... I got, like, super hard,
and then it was ready, and then...
Have you ever used a cock ring before?
So we got to do this again? This is fucked up.
- It's about to... - Damn it. It's not working.
Oh, no.
We keep having to throw away this alginate.
Like, it goes hard before he can go hard,
- if you know what I mean. - Let's take another shot.
- Where are you from? - I'm from Miami.
- I live in New York. - Okay.
I'm, like, so turned on right now.
I feel like such a douche hole.
Outrageous.
I'm wondering where it's happening.
On my bed?
Like, is his butthole touching my sheets right now?
Don't mix it right this second.
- No, we already just did. - Work on it
because you have two minu... oh. Eh...
It's a no-go.
Um, I'm gonna need an ETA on that cock ring.
ETA on the cock ring.
It's back to sexy time.
Sons of bitches.
I love her. I just don't know.
It's not about me. I'm just gonna listen to you.
If you want my opinion
or you want my suggestion, ask for it.
I want your opinion and your suggestion.
Okay. In a nice... oh!
Don't get too excited.
Shit.
I made up with Drew and decided
that the drive home from Vegas
would be really good just if we went home together.
Just had that time to kind of talk
and be there for each other.
So Rachel's gonna drive home with Don.
I love her. It's just gonna be, like,
you know, like, she's been here bawling her eyes out
- for two days, like... - Well, she can't.
People take their hits in life,
and you get up, and you move forward.
That's what I said.
You don't sit and cry for two days.
She should have been out looking for a job
- when she got fired, shit. - That's what I said.
- My opinion is
that she is living, like, what you want,
everything you want to do.
Period.
But I think you're stunting her growth by...
- That's what I'm scared of. - Smothering her.
Well, I don't want her miserable and trying to, like,
live this life for me, you know.
I know who I am.
Especially when I'm sober,
because I don't have anything, like, altering who I am
or me being ashamed... I know who I am.
I know what I want. Kelsey, on the other hand,
is entirely the opposite.
She needs somebody to guide her.
She needs someone to direct her.
And that's part of growing up.
You know, she wants to be 23 maybe.
But why is she telling me she doesn't?
Like me. If you would just listen to me,
but you still don't.
So what makes you think she's gonna listen to you
with suggestions that you tell her?
You have to find out yourself.
You have to hit your head against the wall.
- I know, and that's why... - You have to hit your head
- against the wall. - That thought exactly
is what is in the bottom of me that's going,
"does she need to do this by herself?"
Everybody has their own journey.
Can I teach her or does she need to fall and hit it so bad,
but I love her so much
that I don't want her to be at that place.
I don't want her to hit the rock-bottom.
You have to. She just has to.
It's the only way she's gonna learn.
- Baby. - Hi, hon.
The trash?
- Oh, I forgot to take it out. - Hi.
I missed you.
How are you doing today?
All right.
- You feel better? - Ah, I guess.
What'd you do today?
This whole day I was on the computer.
I wrote down a whole page of stuff I could do.
- Did you call your mom? - No.
Why? You need to talk to your mom.
You need to, like, let her know what's going on.
You know what I mean? Like, she gives you good advice.
Mm-hmm.
Like, she needs... are you embarrassed?
Kind of.
Like, you don't want to tell her what happened?
You know, like, this is not mine.
This isn't for me to fix.
This isn't my battle.
I've helped you before get jobs.
This time, it's all you.
I'm not leaving you.
I love you.
But you go find a job.
I'm sorry that this happened to you.
I really am.
I hate seeing you hurt,
and I hate seeing you sad.
You know?
I don't want to see you hurt.
It makes me feel like I'm no good, you know.
You can work this out, Kels.
You know, you're strong.
You can fix this.
- I love you. - I love you too.
I have to go now too.
All right. Well... this is taking
a lot longer than I sort of had anticipated.
I have a date tonight with my fiancee.
So I'm gonna have to let Whitney
kind of handle the business without me.
Sorry I couldn't stay to finish.
I could try to help if you just want me to hold that thing
- while you do it. - Yeah.
Yeah, you're gonna need to.
All right. I'll see you later.
I mean...
That's definitely not enough.
Only if I had something
that, like, perfectly fit around his...
What about the tube that a...
that a... that a dildo comes in?
- I don't have that. - I do.
There you go.
Let me see it. Oh.
Okay.
- All right. - All right. All right.
This is gonna be challenging though.
Let's get this done.
Are you worried about length?
No, no, no, no.
Oh, my God.
All right, Whitney.
- Start mixing? - Mix it.
All right.
Caes, come out here.
All right. Let's get this shit going.
Hurry up.
We got to do it.
Caes, I'm holding your dick right now.
- Seriously. - I just met you.
You've got to do something...
I don't know what it's doing now.
No, it's okay. Kiss him.
Make out.
Of course now it's drying slow.
God.
So, sis, next time you want to touch my penis,
just, uh, let me know.
Oh, shit.
It's practically dry.
We're gonna pull it off I think.
That came out really good.
That looks really... that's huge.
No, honestly, I'm serious.
Hallelujah! We got the cock mold.
Uh, ladies, the inseminator is on its way.
Way to go.
You did good. Good job. All right.
I would high-five you, but I feel weird.
All right, I got to go get changed.
Oh, God! Something flew in my mouth.
Fuck.
I hate you.
All right, well, this was a fun night.
Thanks for... I enjoyed myself.
How much longer do we have?
- Let's go. - Okay.
I just have to... round two.
Oh, my God, at work today,
like... like, I couldn't do anything.
If my thought drifted just ever so slightly,
like, oh, I wonder what Cori's doing.
It would just start spiraling out of control.
What about today? Da-da-da-da.
Dr. Morris told us that it would be more effective
if we did two rounds of inseminations,
kind of, per cycle,
so we're going in today to do round two.
Okay.
Oh, I'm, like, lost.
I can't believe I made it through today without a patch.
That's fucking gangster.
I'm proud of you.
Fuck, we're gonna be late.
Last time we got there,
our room wasn't ready for an hour, so...
Yeah, but I think that's why she told us to come an hour later.
It's not like we're gonna get there,
she'll be like, "no. You're eight minutes late. Get out."
That scared the shit out of me.
Hello?
- Hi, Cori? - Uh-huh.
- It's Dr. Morris. - Hi, Dr. Morris.
Hey, I have bad news.
- What's wrong? - The nitrogen tank
discharged or something overnight.
What do you mean? Like it...
it's... are you serious?
I don't know what happened.
But you don't understand.
The guy only had three specimens available total.
- Really? - Yeah, so that means...
We'll talk to Xytec and find out what happened.
This is bad news.
We just pulled up, so I guess we can just go home?
I think so. I'm sorry.
Okay. Um, thanks for letting me know.
Okay. It's okay, Cori.
I'm just scared 'cause there's only...
now there's only two total.
- It's okay. - Okay.
You just need one sperm.
Okay. Yeah.
Okay? You just need one sperm.
All right. Thank you.
- It's okay! - Okay.
- All right. - All right. Bye.
- Bye. - Bye-bye.
I'm pissed.
What, there's...
Come here. Just come here.
Just come here. Come here.
Come here. It's okay.
We gotta hope it's gonna be okay, okay?
Baby, I just want to go home.
Okay, okay.
Oh, God, I want a cigarette.
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